Around the time it would be your 38th birthday in the Philippines, I saw it again in my backyard. On the first snowy day of the year in NC, I saw the Eastern Bluebird that I’ve decided is you, in spirit, reminding me to remember you. I’ve seen this bird around other places in my town, but rarely in my own backyard. So when it arrives, I say, “oh, hi Chatt!” It was so odd to see it today of all days, as the thick snowflakes were falling on already wet ground from the morning’s rain. You, along with cardinals, titmouse, robins, mourning dove, sparrows, and wrens, all making a ruckus in our leafless backyard forest. How about that?

I really miss you. And it’s comforting to know how many – so many feel the same. It didn’t hit me til you were gone, but I lost the closest thing I had to a sister when you left us last February to join your Dad and baby sister up in heaven. How I didn’t see it ’til then is beyond me. The way my Dad mourned your death, even in his quiet way, before he himself passed last June was the way one mourns a daughter. He never got over it. You were his daughter, my replacement, when they were in the Philippines. The better version of me – more patient, less moody, ready for the next lakwatsa to entertain my parents – as long as Manila traffic wasn’t a factor!

We were part of an exclusive club in our family – the only child club. You, me, Chie, and Mhen – before Carlos and Willyboy even came along. You were the youngest in this club, the makulit one, talking like a sassy adult in a skinny kid’s body. I can’t forget the time when Carlos became the youngest cousin in our family – ousting you – and 4 year old you said to baby him, “Tatanda ka din!” (You too will get old!). I always thought you spoke like an adult because you wanted to fit in with the older cousins. You went through so much at such a young age – acting like an adult was probably the best way you could cope with it all. And at 30, you finally matched your age in personality! How is it that you were always finding creative ways to earn money to make sure there was food on the table but also made time to enjoy life.

You are the only person I know that in such a short period of time, was able to check off so many hopes and dreams on your bucket list. You truly lived your life to the fullest and thank goodness for that. Today, we smile through our tears, remembering a full life of so many good memories.

Happy birthday, cuz.